A Ride on the Western C**k Carousel

Stay single in Saigon long enough, and you’ll find yourself dick brothers with most other guys who’ve been on the dating scene for the past few years.

It’s just simple maths. We’re not that many single Western men in Saigon, and there aren’t that many single, English-speaking, non-pro girls down to fuck us.

If you’ll humor me with a little statistics as a matter of introduction, I had a hard time finding reliable figures (please comment if you’ve got some!) but this article says there were 20,300 foreigners working in the city in 2015, and foreign workforce on the national level was 72% East Asian (might be much more now with the recent Korean invasion). Remove South Asian and Middle Eastern expats, and we’re down to perhaps 4,000 Westerners in HCMC, give or take.

I read somewhere that 80% of expats are men (for the life of me I can’t retrieve that source), which gives us 3,000-some Western men. I don’t know how many of those are loyal husbands and boyfriends, or gay guys, but there might be no more than 1,500 single Western men on the market on any given day. I might well be off a couple thousands but does it really matter?

While HCMC is home to 13 million people of which 6,5 million are women, I will go out on a limb and guesstimate 0.1% of those are A) available, B) interested in Western men and C) speak English well enough to fuck-close a date (this number might seem preposterously low if you spend your whole life in Thảo Điền but I’m speaking of the whole metropolitan area). I know my maths is getting more and more dubious as I go but for the sake of argument, here we are: 6,500 available, interested, English-speaking Vietnamese women are yours for the fucking. That’s a 3-to-1 ratio to single Western men; however the latter are not spread as much around HCMC and clearly not all of the former are easy whores. So I assume there are no more than 3,000 “active” single women for single Western men in Saigon to pick from. That makes for pretty high dick-bro probability.

Empiric observation also seems to back it up; haven’t you noticed how you always bump into the same girls (no pun intended) after a while, either in bars or online? And how the ones you don’t know yet already have Facebook friends in common? (And how often those common Facebook friends are notorious chick magnets?)

Note that I’m not factoring in the hookers in the vagina count. And with Westerners increasingly taking the backseat to Korean customers, who are much more desirable from a business standpoint, the number of English-speaking prostitutes who still target us shrinks by the day, which makes even more of us share the same women.

So we’re all dick bros. What now?

Once you face that reality, there are several possible reactions.

You can fall prey to jealousy and anger, like many others before you. This is the worst course of action – you’ll just hurt yourself more.

Or, you can be cynical and give up on Vietnamese women altogether, just because of that small group of Westerner-chasing sluts. You just can’t see the forest for the trees.

Or, you can embrace the minor role you played in the Westerner Cum Bath as an opportunity to build a fraternity of sorts: compare notes, share pictures, dispatch girls you’ve already fucked, etc. It can be quite fun, really.

That’s actually what many of these girls do. They team up and coach each other to get more of what they want from Western guys, be it attention, sex, money, gifts, babies, blind love, or all of the above.

Many times I’ve introduced one former fuck to another and watched them become wild party friends. After all, since we’re dick brothers that makes them vagina sisters! Of course their association only boosts the probability of them sharing the same men, and us sharing the same women. Friends introduce friends; that’s how people meet people.

The delicious irony of it all is these are the same girls who regularly complain about single Western men being “players”. But once you stop listening to anything they say and start observing their actions (as any man should do with any woman anywhere), you can enjoy their company for what it is, with no fear of disappointment. All it takes is giving up your doomed quest for romance (some call it “unplugging”) and sticking to the facts you see.

Enjoy the orgy, and bring your own condoms.

I guess what I’m saying is, better not develop any sense of territory. Possessiveness is pointless.

I once lost a good friend because he couldn’t bear that I was fucking too many of his ex-dates. By the time we parted ways he’d counted nine of them (being my roommate, it was easy for him to keep score). Never did it occur to him that he’d just been in Saigon longer than me, thus had a few years’ head-start on the same beaten path followed by many Westerners before us, and by many more to come.

Among the Slutty Nine was “Dr. Linh”, a fun-loving rich kid with a purse always full of drugs to give away, hence the nickname. After I fucked her at another friend’s crib at the Intercontinental (he called that place the “Panty Dropper”, with good reason), he told me that “The Pharmacist” (the nickname she’d got from his gang) had already screwed two other guys in that very room. And that’s only one bed in one condo. Still, my roommate was hurt that I’d “stolen” yet another old flame of his.

Some guys just have a hard time accepting the fact that Westerner chasers have very low standards and are not serious dating material. Everyone else, welcome to the carousel!

I didn’t always see it this way. Like many immigrants full of dreams in a new land, I once upon a time believed I’d found the perfect girlfriend who would love me for who I truly am.

She was one of those sexy queens of the night who know every bouncer by name. But our relationship was very very special (we had “chemistry” she said). She sure had way too many exes whose stories she shared with me a bit too much. But I figured these losers weren’t great guys like me.

That’s what she said, so I believed her. I did. I did. And I did again.

Fast forward four years, and I already know of five guys who also fucked her. Probably some of them did her while I was “with her”. And that’s just counting the ones who happened to mention it in casual conversation, in my immediate circle of friends.

I’m not bitter about it. It was my fault not to understand A) that there is a game, and B) how to enjoy the game.

If you refuse to embrace the dark side, there’s still one solution to find single girls who haven’t fucked any of your Western friends: Learn Vietnamese. It will be excruciatingly hard, but eventually it will shield you from Westerner Chasers and open up a huge new market.

Ask yourself this: how did the Westerner Chasers taking part in the Western bukkake come to speak English so fluently? There are only two places where a local woman can improve her language skills: on a school bench, or on a guy’s bed. So perhaps they should request academic credentials and international travel logs on Tinder profiles. That would help screen out the girls who already fucked all of your buddies.

Pictured: A woman you wish rode the carousel.